Prison (letters 37)
by Goddess Isa
Summary: Angel writes to Buffy, looking for forgiveness


TITLE: Prison (Letters #37?)  
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa  
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com  
SUMMARY: Angel writes to Buffy, looking for forgiveness  
SPOILER: Redefinition  
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =) http://planetangelus.homestead.com is my site  
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P  
RATING: TV-14   
DISCLAIMER: Angel belongs to Joss. 'My Own Prison' (whose lyrics I moved around a bit) belongs to Creed.   
1/17/01  
  
  
  
Dear Buffy,  
  
  
Have I changed?  
Everyone seems to think I have. They think I'm different.  
  
I'm not that different, am I?  
  
And so what if I have changed?  
  
Who really cares?  
  
It's not as if it matters to anyone.   
  
Well, except for Darla and Dru, but they're both crazy so they wouldn't be very good judges of character anyway.  
  
And I matter to you.  
  
Or I did matter to you, once.  
  
Not anymore, I know this for a fact.  
  
Dawn writes to me. Tells me about your boyfriends....the gay guy and now the doctor....you haven't got good taste Buffy, I gotta admit. First you date a guy who's into guys, and now you're seeing the brother of the HellGod out to kill your little sister. Nice job.  
  
Sorry. Sorry. I didn't mean to say those things, I just...  
  
I did mean them.  
  
Maybe I have changed.  
  
I took a huge step in getting over Darla today. I burned every drawing I ever made of her. There were at least a hundred of them scattered around here, and now every single one of them is ash.  
  
They were all the same, too.  
  
All full of a life and a depth that Darla doesn't have.  
  
That she's never had.  
  
When I looked at the drawings, I didn't see just see her.  
  
I saw you.  
  
That was a problem for me, mostly because I felt so cheated. And then I realized that I've always been cheated.  
  
I've done it myself, mostly, and now, to get back at the world, I'm cheating everyone else. I'm cheating everyone I love.  
  
Cordy and Wesley and even Gunn. I cheated them out of their jobs and their friend.  
  
And you. I cheated you out of spending your life with the only man you ever loved. The one thing you really need is love, and I cheated you out of that. Possibly forever.  
  
I'm cheating myself out of a life. This hotel is big, and it'll serve as a nice house, but it's not a home. It's not the kind of place where I can close my eyes and picture our kids running around.  
  
It's just a dark place for me to hole up and brood.  
  
Worst of all, I've cheated everyone who died at the hands of Darla and Dru out of a life. I let them live when I could've killed them both. And others died because of that.  
  
I'm a jerk, and that's a kind word.  
  
I was working for redemption before, and I just had to regress. I just had to f**k it up.  
  
I should've known better than to move to LA. To involve myself in a new town. I should've returned to England, or even Prauge....somewhere with a lower profile. Somewhere I could hide.  
  
But hiding is cheating, too. It seems that everything is nowadays.  
  
I could blame all of this on you Buffy, but that would be wrong. I should blame myself and start over.  
  
We all know I'm gonna live forever. May as well do something good with my life.  
  
If I still remember how.  
  
  
Love,  
  
Angel  
  
  
  
//A court is in session  
A verdict is inNo appeal on the docket todayJust my own sin  
The walls are cold and paleThe cage made of steelScreams fill the roomAlone I drop and kneel  
Silence now the soundMy breath the only motion aroundDemons cluttering aroundMy face showing no emotion  
Shackled by my sentenceExpecting no returnHere there is no penanceMy skin begins to burn  
So I held my head up highHiding hate that burns insideWhich only fuels their selfish prideWe're all held captiveOut from the sunA sun that shines on only someWe the meek are all in one  
  
I cry out to GodSeeking only his decisionGabriel stands and confirmsI've created my own prison   
I hear a thunder in the distanceSee a vision of a crossI feel the pain that was givenOn that sad day of loss  
A lion roars in the darknessOnly he holds the keyA light to free me from my burdenAnd grant me life eternally  
Should have been deadOn a Sunday morningBanging my headNo time for mourningAin't got no time  
  
I cry out to GodSeeking only his decisionGabriel stands and confirmsI've created my own prison   
So I held my head up highHiding hate that burns insideWhich only fuels their selfish prideWe're all held captiveOut from the sunA sun that shines on only someWe the meek are all in one  
I cry out to GodSeeking only his decisionGabriel stands and confirmsI've created my own prison\\   
  



End file.
